What it’s like being a mom without my mom

I lost my mom on May 27, 2013. She had a tough, 9 month battle with lung cancer. I had so many thoughts the night she passed away. She wouldn’t be there to help me find a wedding dress, she wouldn’t be dancing at our wedding, and most importantly…. she wouldn’t get to hold her grandchildren someday.

Fast forward to January 2018, when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately thought of my mom. It hurt my heart that she wasn’t here. I couldn’t call her to tell her. We wouldn’t go shopping for the baby. She wouldn’t be at the hospital, waiting for her grandchild to be born.

Over the past year, I’ve read so many articles of other women becoming mothers and not having their own mom anymore. Sometimes it brings me comfort to read other peoples stories. Other times it angers me.

Why my mom? She wanted me and my sister to have kids some day. She loved kids! She watched kids in our home, my whole life. She honestly would have been the greatest grandma ever.

August 31, 2018… I’m in labor, completely out of it because of the medications I was on due to preeclampsia, 18 hours of labor, 2 hours of [barely] pushing, my beautiful, perfect, sweet baby girl was born.

Mackenzie Jean.

I just kept thinking about my mom and how bad I wanted her there. Not even so much to be with me, but to meet the girl I named after her.

My mom’s name was JeanMarie, Gina was her nickname. My husband and I decided to give my mom’s first name as our daughters middle name.

I’m now 3 months into this mama role and some days, I have no idea what I’m doing. I want to call my mom so bad and ask her for advice. Or send her pictures of Mackenzie. I want to brag about all of her firsts and tell her how smart she is already. My mom would have agreed, of course.

Instead, I talk to Mackenzie about my mom and tell her all the things her grandma would love about her. I tell her about all the adventures they would have gone on, all the fun they would have had, and all the memories they would have made.

Mackenzie will always know my mom. She will always know how much she loved her. She will always have someone watching over her.

My mom left a note before she passed. It’s heartbreaking to read. She knew she wouldn’t make it. I’m thankful we have it though.

As I end this, I know my mom is always with me. I know I can talk to her. It’s not the same though. Nothing beats her being physically here.

I love her and I miss her everyday.

Here is the letter she wrote to my dad, me and my sister 😔

Thank you for reading

See you soon,

Kristina

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